I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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