Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
