Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
