I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
