You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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