sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
