I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
