i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
