Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
