you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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