I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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