Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
