you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
