I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
