dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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