I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
