i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
