I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize