If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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