i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
