She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
