I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
