it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
