"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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