Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
