Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
