what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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