You just made me feel so damn special
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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