I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
