You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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