just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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