He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
