she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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