The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
