I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
