How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
