i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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