I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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