I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
