My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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