You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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