New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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