i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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