walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
this boner is exhausting
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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