just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
