Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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