and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
