Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Of course I have a pirate flag
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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