I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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