Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
