dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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