There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
