The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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