don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
