Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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