Christians are straight up FREAKS
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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